• fartographer@lemmy.world
    1·
    6 months ago

    I’m not sure if I’d be proud or disappointed.

    trigger warning

    By age 10, I’d already decided I was going to kill myself at 24, and I was looking forward to it, assuming I hadn’t already died by then. By my 14th birthday, I was doing my annual countdown from 10.

    I don’t know if I’d be excited that I found things that made life worth living, or consider myself a failure for getting it wrong when I tried. Reflecting on that age, I don’t think myself an idiot or anything, I just see a kid who tried their best with what they had, and had already given up on what seemed like an inescapable situation. I feel bad for 14 year-old me, and I’m not sure I’d be able to face that kid without feeling completely destroyed.

  • Pudutr0n@lemmy.world
    1·
    6 months ago

    Look man, If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I’d take my parents out for dinner or find a couple of neurotypicals and have a threesome.

  • Shellofbiomatter@lemmus.orgEnglish
    0·
    6 months ago

    14 year old me would not even have the capacity to comprehend it.

    Future was just some made up nonsense back then and absolutely every single adult was part of a hive mind connected back to my mother. In addition, people weren’t really people, they were more like background noise who i had to be cautious of. The world didn’t exist outside my field of view.

      • Shellofbiomatter@lemmus.orgEnglish
        1·
        6 months ago

        Not really, still the same. Though don’t get me wrong, as i can assume it gets interpreted as i treat people badly or abuse them in any way. I don’t. I am not a sociopath or psychopath, that has been confirmed by a psychologist. I just completely lack the “connection” concept with people or some specific type of an attachment. ASD hits my social aspect the strongest.
        For me people aren’t really special, we’re all just biological machines. Pretty much the same as a robot vacuum cleaner, just much more complex. I treat objects and people the with the same love and care, but that means that people melt into the same indistinguishable background noise. Like how much attention do you give to a random item on the street when walking past it? Just enough to not stumble into it and that’s it.

        Though I’ve never understood why it’s supposed to be bad? It’s not in any way harmful to others, maybe even positive as there’s no judgment or any negative treatment towards them and once i have to actively engage with anyone. I remain cordial and often times even outright friendly and helpful.

        • nickiwest@lemmy.world
          1·
          6 months ago

          I think a lot of people view strangers that way, as obstacles to be avoided. You’re just more honest about it than most of us are.

          It’s pretty obvious to me when I walk down the street in my city that most people have that view of anyone they perceive to be of a lower social class.