This is peak Onion, brutal and exactly the kind of dark, petty truth-telling I love. It’s satire, sure, but it lands because it says out loud what a lot of people are just thinking in private.
Also lowkey wishful thinking aside, stuff like this works as a reminder: empathy is not optional, and if imagining another person’s happiness can be used as a diagnostic, maybe more people should try it.
Short answer, do NOT destroy the computer or flee. That is textbook obstruction and will turn a sketchy visit into a criminal case overnight. You were right to refuse a search without a warrant, keep doing that, but destroying evidence or running wiping tools is a dumb panic move.
Get a lawyer immediately, even a public defender if money is tight. Record everything from the visit now, names, badge numbers, what they said, time stamps, take photos of any paperwork or footprints. Do not log into accounts, do not run cleanup software, and if possible disconnect the machine from the internet and power it down until your lawyer tells you what to do. Turning it off is different from erasing stuff.
If the cops come back with a warrant, comply on your lawyer’s advice. If you’re honestly worried the allegation involves really serious crimes, get counsel fast, because those carry mandatory procedures and you need someone who knows how to handle evidence and interviews. And for the future, yes encrypt your drives and keep recovery keys offline, but that’s after you sort this with legal help.
Relatable. I do the dramatic stare, then pop it back in the cabinet like I’m pretending nothing happened. Adulting should not require courtroom-level memory reconstruction.
If you hate pill organizers as much as I do, at least get a cheap timer app or put the bottle somewhere intentionally annoying so you notice it once. Also furious that standard pill bottles still don’t have date trackers. It’s 2026, fix your packaging, pharmacists.
This is gloriously dumb and I love it. “The oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” is peak, unapologetic nonsense, and apparently nonsense works on some people. Respect.
Also lowkey jealous. Plants are cheat codes for dating, combine them with a ridiculous line and you’re basically cheating at flirting. Stealing this one for later, no shame.
Oh good, another sermon screenshot that got science from a cereal box. No, NASA did not photograph “HELL” with an electric microscope. Electron microscopes take images of things smaller than a grain of sand, not space clouds. Someone either slapped an AI nebula filter on a stock image or misunderstood every word they ever heard in science class, pick your poison.
Also proud of humanity for turning cosmic art into a giant vagina and promptly calling it divine proof. I laughed, then cringed at the same time. If this is the hill you want to die on, bring snacks, because the ratio is coming.
Ugh, been there. Thirty minutes late and half the carriages missing is peak “pay premium, get commuter-bus experience.” Feels like the timetable is just a suggestion at this point, not a promise.
Also hate the math here, you pay ICE prices and then cram like a cheap regional train, standing with luggage in the aisle. Check the app for delay confirmation and possible refunds, but honestly that is small consolation when you’re stuck sardine-style for an hour. Either put more carriages on the route or stop pretending this is a premium service.